1. “I am not a child anymore.” Almost
more than anything, teens want respect for their status as maturing
young adults. Continuing to be treated as a child feels demeaning.
Fathers recognize, however, that teens come in varying stages of
maturity, and it is important to tailor your reactions to your teen’s
level. As they reach early teenhood, try to be aware of their situation
and work at treating them a little more at an adult level.
2. “I act like I’m ready to be an
adult, but I am scared to death of becoming one.” Whether or not your teen is ready to be treated like an adult, he or she is
typically overwhelmed with that impending responsibility. Recognize
that for all the bravado a teenager can muster, there is significant
fear of the unknown. Dads who are able to blend a little respect
with a little sensitivity for their situation can be a great resource
for their teens.
3. “Friends are becoming more important
to me.” Part of the transition process through which teens progress is moving from dependence
on parents to independence. It is a process that we support and
are excited about as fathers—after all, we want our children to
become responsible, independent adults at some point. Part of that
process involves a gradual separation from parents to others, including
friends. This is natural, expected and appropriate. So don’t be
too concerned or get hurt feelings when your teens would rather
“hang out” with friends than stay home and play games with the family.
4. “I question lots of things that
I didn’t used to question.” A big part of the maturation process is learning to think and feel for one’s
self. Teens who were very obedient children may start questioning
why they do things that you tell them to do. They may question your
judgment. They may question basic beliefs and values that your family
has embraced. This questioning process is healthy and normal. Try
to stay available to help them through some of that questioning
process if the opportunity presents itself.
5. “My hormones are doing weird things
to me, and I can’t tell you why.” We have noticed with our sons that when they become teens, they become short-tempered
and tend to raise their voices a lot, especially when they are under
stress. They may start feeling uncomfortable around friends of the
opposite sex, even when they have been friends for years. They may
want posters on the wall of which you do not approve. But mostly,
they just feel—they don’t necessarily understand why. Recognize
that hormones may be at the root of some uncomfortable teenage behaviors.
However, don’t let them use it as an excuse. Teach them that even
though it is hard, hormones and “flash points” can be controlled.
6. “I hate ‘THE LOOK.’” Moms
and dads develop over time what teenagers know as THE LOOK. This
may be expressed in a stare, glare or grimace that lets them know
they are in trouble. Keeping the lines of communication open can
minimize the times you use THE LOOK and can help them identify other
ways of knowing that they are causing you stress.
7. “Sometimes, I just need to be alone.” Teens
have a tendency to withdraw a little while they are figuring out
their world. They may be pretty chatty with their friends, but may
retreat into their own space when at home. This tendency is also
natural and for the most part should not be alarming. If it becomes
extreme, then you should be concerned.
8. “Sometimes, I just want you to
listen.” Dads often tend to want to be problem-solvers and jump right into a conversation
with advice. Resist that temptation and try from time to time to
just listen. Many times conversations between parents and teenagers
is a chance for a teen to “work it out on their own” with you listening
in. Give them that chance to learn to deal with life’s issues rationally
and reasonably without you jumping in to solve the issues.
9. “I need you to be consistent.” While
teens often rebel at parental authority, they expect and feel most
comfortable when parents stick by rule and behave consistently.
Don’t constantly change curfews—have a rule and stick with it. The
consistency will help give your teen something to rely on—an anchor
in the storm of life.
10. “Walk your talk.” Teens
get frustrated when parents say one thing and do another. Keep your
commitments—they would rather have no promise than a broken one.
If we have a family rule about television or video games, mom and
dad should live by the rule as well. Set a good example and keep
your commitments, and your teen will have greater respect for you.
Conclusion
There is nothing more frustrating in life than living through the teenage years.
For teenagers, they are experiencing new feelings, new life challenges and a
transition from comfortable dependence to the unknown of independence. If fathers
can remember a few simple things and act on them, they can be a real help to
their teens as they move from childhood to adulthood.
Wayne Parker is the father of five active children ranging in age from 13 to
24. He is the CEO of WorkStar Consulting, and a consultant and trainer dealing
in work-life balance and other career focused issues.
Experience:
In Wayne's professional work, he has helped many clients and trainees improve
their focus at home and balance their work and family lives. He has also been
a lay religious leader assigned to help families in crisis. And he has first
hand experience with five children of his own.
